PASSION
from HYR's blog:
"So I thought, hmmm why do I do what I do?
and I thought of a 4 letter word…
I do it because I ‘Song’(aka shiok, happy, feels good, blah blah)
I remind myself I’m in this right from the beginning just coz of this 4 letter word. Not for $$$, not for awards, not for fame…I did this purely coz I think in my whole life, this is the only thing I’m good at. And this is what I do for a living! If I don’t do this, I have nothing…"
and it just kinda JOLTED me awake.
it reminded me to live passionately and for the big and little things that i enjoy doing, and not because i want to achieve an end.
let's work hard together! WOOHHOOO!
things change, they always do, even if you think they wouldn't. kinda liberating, isn't it, to realize that you don't have to be stuck in a rut forever. or to be pining for the same person forever. or to be depressed forever. because you kinda grow out of your problems, or your problems grow out of you.
there're too many things that we don't say to each other.
(anw, imagine if we had transparent hearts. cand and i were imagining. it's quite funny, go and think abt it.)
we can be anything
have you seen Before Sunrise? and then Before Sunset?
if you haven't, please go and watch it.
*
from a conversation with ethan hawke:
— I read an interview you did a few years ago where you said that we live in a community which tries to box us all in, “like you’re a journalist, you just do this or that. You can’t also be a musician, you know. I just resent that; I think we’re all a lot more than that.” Yourself, you write, you act, you direct. You did your piece on Kris Kristofferson for Rolling Stone. You narrated The Last Beat, the documentary on Gregory Corso.
— Yeah.
— I suppose the media needs to pigeonhole people and sort of put them into a particular slot or whatever.
— It does only because it wants to sell shit. Everybody always wants to make money and that’s why they want to pigeonhole things. I don’t know if you’ve caught any of them but in this latest release of Dylan’s last record, there’s been a handful of interviews with Bob Dylan. There was a piece in Rolling Stone and there was a big interview in Mojo. I kind of feel about Dylan the way… You know, I’ve been studying Chekhov all year and he used to get so excited when a new Tolstoy novel would come out. I’m not comparing myself to Chekhov or anything; I’m just saying that’s the way I feel about Dylan. It’s so exciting to watch, like you said, watch a fellow human being succeed at such a level. He’s such a huge, tremendous talent over such a long period of time. To do so many things well, so many different kinds of music - and his book Chronicles was fantastic. I don’t want to misquote him, but it’s so obvious that guy believes in himself so much. I think so many of us are so dragged down by our insecurities and our fears of failure and our fear of being made fun of and our fear of being mocked that so many people end up not even trying. When I first published The Hottest State, it sounds weird to say, but that was the scariest thing that I’d ever done. It somehow pissed so many off that a young film actor would even try to do such a thing. But I knew that to be the grown-up that I wanted to be, to be the adult I dreamed of being, I would have to have some other experiences besides just pretending to be other people in front of a camera. I knew it was important to me and I knew I had to do it and I was always surprised at what a problem so many people seemed to have to with it. How much we as a society and as a culture just really don’t want people to eat more of the pie than they damn well fuckin’ deserve, you know. One of the nice things about getting older is watching that kind of subside a little bit.
if you haven't, please go and watch it.
*
from a conversation with ethan hawke:
— I read an interview you did a few years ago where you said that we live in a community which tries to box us all in, “like you’re a journalist, you just do this or that. You can’t also be a musician, you know. I just resent that; I think we’re all a lot more than that.” Yourself, you write, you act, you direct. You did your piece on Kris Kristofferson for Rolling Stone. You narrated The Last Beat, the documentary on Gregory Corso.
— Yeah.
— I suppose the media needs to pigeonhole people and sort of put them into a particular slot or whatever.
— It does only because it wants to sell shit. Everybody always wants to make money and that’s why they want to pigeonhole things. I don’t know if you’ve caught any of them but in this latest release of Dylan’s last record, there’s been a handful of interviews with Bob Dylan. There was a piece in Rolling Stone and there was a big interview in Mojo. I kind of feel about Dylan the way… You know, I’ve been studying Chekhov all year and he used to get so excited when a new Tolstoy novel would come out. I’m not comparing myself to Chekhov or anything; I’m just saying that’s the way I feel about Dylan. It’s so exciting to watch, like you said, watch a fellow human being succeed at such a level. He’s such a huge, tremendous talent over such a long period of time. To do so many things well, so many different kinds of music - and his book Chronicles was fantastic. I don’t want to misquote him, but it’s so obvious that guy believes in himself so much. I think so many of us are so dragged down by our insecurities and our fears of failure and our fear of being made fun of and our fear of being mocked that so many people end up not even trying. When I first published The Hottest State, it sounds weird to say, but that was the scariest thing that I’d ever done. It somehow pissed so many off that a young film actor would even try to do such a thing. But I knew that to be the grown-up that I wanted to be, to be the adult I dreamed of being, I would have to have some other experiences besides just pretending to be other people in front of a camera. I knew it was important to me and I knew I had to do it and I was always surprised at what a problem so many people seemed to have to with it. How much we as a society and as a culture just really don’t want people to eat more of the pie than they damn well fuckin’ deserve, you know. One of the nice things about getting older is watching that kind of subside a little bit.
future
you know sometimes how you get so hungry for knowledge, and you just want so much to learn, to absorb, to understand. like how you need to watch all the good movies ever made and listen to all the best songs ever written, and your heart expands and you feel so excited about life and your entire existence. it's so strange. it's exactly like how i felt when i was in the library as a 17-year-old, as i let my finger slide across the spines of the books as i walked along the shelves, totally hungry for the beauty of literature. that is the kind of exaggerated passion that eludes us most of the time. that is the kind of passion that makes you feel........ well, i don't even know how to describe that sort of feeling. it's just amazing.
and then the years go by and we grow numb. we begin to feel okay about things. that's okay. this is okay. nothing is really very exciting or fascinating anymore. you become too impatient to sit through novels. you fall asleep in the cinema. you don't want to have conversations that drag on for too long because there's always unfinished work to do. you are not passionate about anything. you can't think of anything that makes your heart skip a beat. god, i don't want to become like this. sometimes i see the signs of me becoming this numb, unfeeling person, and i am terrified. terrified of being jaded and old, of not wanting anything very much.
i caught Daybreakers at the cinema yesterday and i couldnt stop thinking about how the future is turning out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. artificial intelligence, virtual reality, space travel, city centers that look straight out of a sci-fi movie, even the very absurd cyrogenics..... all of this is happening. today, NOW, we're enveloped in gleaming metal and technology. we have gadgets that allow us the illusion of connectedness, without being really very connected. and we all succumb. we accept and get caught up in the game, because...... because this is our world.
it's terribly scary. and what's scarier is that we are hurtling towards a future that is going to seem to offer more, but which in actual fact is taking away what really matters to us.
and what really matters is.....the kind of love that was so ordinary in the past, but which seems so epic now.
and then the years go by and we grow numb. we begin to feel okay about things. that's okay. this is okay. nothing is really very exciting or fascinating anymore. you become too impatient to sit through novels. you fall asleep in the cinema. you don't want to have conversations that drag on for too long because there's always unfinished work to do. you are not passionate about anything. you can't think of anything that makes your heart skip a beat. god, i don't want to become like this. sometimes i see the signs of me becoming this numb, unfeeling person, and i am terrified. terrified of being jaded and old, of not wanting anything very much.
i caught Daybreakers at the cinema yesterday and i couldnt stop thinking about how the future is turning out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. artificial intelligence, virtual reality, space travel, city centers that look straight out of a sci-fi movie, even the very absurd cyrogenics..... all of this is happening. today, NOW, we're enveloped in gleaming metal and technology. we have gadgets that allow us the illusion of connectedness, without being really very connected. and we all succumb. we accept and get caught up in the game, because...... because this is our world.
it's terribly scary. and what's scarier is that we are hurtling towards a future that is going to seem to offer more, but which in actual fact is taking away what really matters to us.
and what really matters is.....the kind of love that was so ordinary in the past, but which seems so epic now.
计划+计划
无法接受平庸的生活，可是却离不开这些平实的日子。想离开这个城市，却又舍不得离开一些人。越想越复杂，越想越想不通。埋在一堆矛盾里，越挣扎越堕落。
对于自己可以/能够/喜欢/想做什么，不管怎么样，还是有一些自己的想法。因为星座问题，所以极度渴望自由。但因为必须生活，没有办法需要做出一些妥协。我经常到处问身边的人："Have you found your place in this world?"
你找到你的定位了吗？
说到底我们都害怕得要死。又或者只有我一个人在害怕。
生活对我来说固然重要，但工作也很重要。如果你找到了一个你想做的工作，那它就变成你的使命。通过它，你可以与世界沟通。因为它，你得以与外面的世界接轨。这是一件多么重要，多么热血的事。
所以我最害怕变得麻木。我要永远一直愚蠢地做梦，愚蠢地为一些奇怪的梦想而奋斗。至少我的心脏正在激烈地为着某些事情而跳动。
加油吧，年轻人。
对于自己可以/能够/喜欢/想做什么，不管怎么样，还是有一些自己的想法。因为星座问题，所以极度渴望自由。但因为必须生活，没有办法需要做出一些妥协。我经常到处问身边的人："Have you found your place in this world?"
你找到你的定位了吗？
说到底我们都害怕得要死。又或者只有我一个人在害怕。
生活对我来说固然重要，但工作也很重要。如果你找到了一个你想做的工作，那它就变成你的使命。通过它，你可以与世界沟通。因为它，你得以与外面的世界接轨。这是一件多么重要，多么热血的事。
所以我最害怕变得麻木。我要永远一直愚蠢地做梦，愚蠢地为一些奇怪的梦想而奋斗。至少我的心脏正在激烈地为着某些事情而跳动。
加油吧，年轻人。
an inexplicable attraction
c says i am a very confused person, even more confused than her friend k, who is already a very confused person. i have no choice but to agree with her. i AM a bloody confused person. i nv know what i want. damn, i cant even figure out if i like someone or don't like someone. you'd think that such things are supposed to be pretty clearcut, but no, not to me, the person who is more confused than k.
how do u know if u like someone? ur heart starts beating a tad too fast when she's around. everything she does is cute. u cant think of anything abt her that irritates u. u dont get tired of seeing her. u dont get sick of her jokes. u want to buy her little things like cookies and CDs. when u watch a movie together u find urself unable to concentrate, even if the movie is avatar. u care abt her life and want to listen to her. u look in her eyes and feel ur heart squeeze a little.
but what if u experience none of the above and yet still feel a strange attraction to the person? its like being sick, but without the symptoms. u dont experience rapid heartbeats or sweaty palms beside the person, but still u are strangely drawn to her. its a mix of curiosity and.... i dont know what. like metal that gets attracted to magnet naturally. its all so natural that u cant resist it, yet u are unable to figure out the science of it all. its almost like being in a murakami short story.
thats exactly how im feeling right now. haha.
how do u know if u like someone? ur heart starts beating a tad too fast when she's around. everything she does is cute. u cant think of anything abt her that irritates u. u dont get tired of seeing her. u dont get sick of her jokes. u want to buy her little things like cookies and CDs. when u watch a movie together u find urself unable to concentrate, even if the movie is avatar. u care abt her life and want to listen to her. u look in her eyes and feel ur heart squeeze a little.
but what if u experience none of the above and yet still feel a strange attraction to the person? its like being sick, but without the symptoms. u dont experience rapid heartbeats or sweaty palms beside the person, but still u are strangely drawn to her. its a mix of curiosity and.... i dont know what. like metal that gets attracted to magnet naturally. its all so natural that u cant resist it, yet u are unable to figure out the science of it all. its almost like being in a murakami short story.
thats exactly how im feeling right now. haha.
活着
more and more i realize that i just want to live a simple, down-to-earth, occasionally remarkable, life. i want a stable stream of easy, happy days, surrounded by the people i love and doing and enjoying the things i love. i want days peppered with little adventures, but not too much. i want minor trials and tribulations, the sort that will remind me to cherish everything i have, but not too much, not too much. i want safety. i want simple happiness. i want to live with my heart CONNECTED. i don't want to be a victim of the modern existence. i want realness, solidness, connections, love. yes, the things that are hard to come by. the things that seem so important but so unreachable.
it has been something that i have been thinking abt for a long time. then i read the book 活着 by 余华.
and then........something rose and expanded in my heart.
suddenly, i understood something about life, something i can't even articulate into words.
friends, let's LIVE. let's really start to live.
it has been something that i have been thinking abt for a long time. then i read the book 活着 by 余华.
and then........something rose and expanded in my heart.
suddenly, i understood something about life, something i can't even articulate into words.
friends, let's LIVE. let's really start to live.
时代
在昏暗的房间里把音乐的声量调至最高，原来也只不过是在听翻唱版本的Radiohead。
if i could be / who you wanted / all the time......
终于步入2010年，总是觉得自己在科幻电影里面那种超乎现实的年代。
正在考虑一些事情。
if i could be / who you wanted / all the time......
终于步入2010年，总是觉得自己在科幻电影里面那种超乎现实的年代。
正在考虑一些事情。
再不久，就全白了。
摘自郭宝昆的<灵戏>，上次在书店看的时候忍不住地落泪，很震撼。
*
那些枫叶，应该都红了吧。
对了，红是今天。
红是今天。那，绿是昨天了。
那么，白就是明天。
然后，就是黑天。
再不久，就全白了。
一片白。
在不久，就全是一片白了。
是雪吗？
是，一片红。
一片黑。
一片紫。
又是一片黑。
那白的呢？
红了。
紫了。
一大片的紫。
又一片黑。
那红的呢？
都白了。
全都是红的，白的，黄的，紫的，黑的。
开了。破了。流了。掉了。
臭了。烂了。沉了。化了。
走了。过了。毁了。灭了。
消了。算了。没了。忘了。
消了？算了？
没了？忘了？
消了。算了。没了。忘了。
一切都静止了下来。
他们努力进入永久的记忆。
*
又一年了。各位可好？
托您的福，一切都好。
托您的福，一切如常。
托您的福，年年如此，岁岁如此。
不是如此，还能怎样？
总是这几句话......想想从前，聊聊过去。
过去的人，除了谈谈过去，还能谈什么呢？
或许，还能说说上头的天，下头的地，四周围的山草树木。这一切，都还好吗？
又是一年。今年，是多少年啦？
算了。还算什么呢！要怎么算呢？就算能算，去跟谁算，算来干吗呢？
可是，不想，也真不容易啊。
算了吧，生命一旦过去，就没有明天了。
可是那海水每天还是那么起起落落，那云彩还是那么聚聚散散，那一草一木还是那么不厌其烦地一枯一荣。一枯一荣，真热闹啊！......可照我看啊，他们也真够累的！
有生之年，我们天天朝着太阳。
无生之日，我们夜夜盼着月亮。
其实，这样也蛮好。
是啊，这样，也真安静。
宁静的音乐。
他们细细体味这种安静。
*
那些枫叶，应该都红了吧。
对了，红是今天。
红是今天。那，绿是昨天了。
那么，白就是明天。
然后，就是黑天。
再不久，就全白了。
一片白。
在不久，就全是一片白了。
是雪吗？
是，一片红。
一片黑。
一片紫。
又是一片黑。
那白的呢？
红了。
紫了。
一大片的紫。
又一片黑。
那红的呢？
都白了。
全都是红的，白的，黄的，紫的，黑的。
开了。破了。流了。掉了。
臭了。烂了。沉了。化了。
走了。过了。毁了。灭了。
消了。算了。没了。忘了。
消了？算了？
没了？忘了？
消了。算了。没了。忘了。
一切都静止了下来。
他们努力进入永久的记忆。
*
又一年了。各位可好？
托您的福，一切都好。
托您的福，一切如常。
托您的福，年年如此，岁岁如此。
不是如此，还能怎样？
总是这几句话......想想从前，聊聊过去。
过去的人，除了谈谈过去，还能谈什么呢？
或许，还能说说上头的天，下头的地，四周围的山草树木。这一切，都还好吗？
又是一年。今年，是多少年啦？
算了。还算什么呢！要怎么算呢？就算能算，去跟谁算，算来干吗呢？
可是，不想，也真不容易啊。
算了吧，生命一旦过去，就没有明天了。
可是那海水每天还是那么起起落落，那云彩还是那么聚聚散散，那一草一木还是那么不厌其烦地一枯一荣。一枯一荣，真热闹啊！......可照我看啊，他们也真够累的！
有生之年，我们天天朝着太阳。
无生之日，我们夜夜盼着月亮。
其实，这样也蛮好。
是啊，这样，也真安静。
宁静的音乐。
他们细细体味这种安静。
from chuen tz's blog.
小時候常會有人問你，長大後要當什麼，有一次我讀到一個俄羅斯的小說，小說裡的媽媽說，有人問我，希望我的小孩長大後做什麼，與其期待他去當怎樣的職業，我倒期待他想成為什麼樣的人，過怎樣的生活。
大一時打工，在台北美術館顧會場，遇到一個退休後當義工的老奶奶，那時有點煩惱，對於未來疑惑，跟老奶奶聊到，她用一種平穩篤定的口吻回應我，沒問題的，很多事只要你真的想要，都是可以做的到。很不可以思議我被說服了，即使我仍然疑惑，但卻開始相信自己可以爭取到想像的未來。如果同樣一句話是從同齡的朋友說出，或許只像是安慰或鼓勵，但從五六十歲的奶奶口中說出，卻充滿說服力，像是她走過一趟後帶著旅行感想，對你保證。
但該爭取怎樣的未來和想要過的生活，年紀越大倒是越來越模糊，是逐漸妥協或者已經得到了。學生時代我一直希望可以不必上班，在家裡工作。後來離開上班生活在家裡工作已經有幾年，偶爾卻會懷念上班時穩定規律的生活，每天起床後搭車去上班，幾個同事坐一排，雖不是親人一天相處下來生活的時間卻比家人久，聊的話比和朋友說得多，一種特殊的關係讓大家聚在相同的空間，一起過生活，還挺有趣的。朝九晚五雖然累人，但到了月底就會有薪水進來，沒有工作也不必焦慮，老的時候如果在大一點的公司或許還有退休金。
一個人工作，多半時間是沈默的，像獨自慢跑，沒有人盯你，也不必在意一天中要從幾點開始到幾點結束。不過我是一個懶散的人，沒事時有時候我可以什麼事也不做，一天看幾部電影，或者只是翻翻書發發呆和朋友聊天就過一天，可以花很長的時間睡覺，即使現在年紀越來越大，也不曾焦慮到失眠過，也因此有一年我甚至在牆上貼上「積極」，希望能成為那一年的座右銘。
有時候我會為自己畫些圖，畫圖前，我習慣煮杯咖啡、聊天、玩我的貓、或者跑來跑去，撐到最後才會一口氣沈下心，帶著滿滿的壓力躲起來安靜的進行，畫畫的開始總是焦慮，畫順了才能開始享受旅程，不到最後還是沒有把握，尤其是還沒進行到滿意時最脆弱，我通常躲起來畫。先生老是笑我畫圖時禁忌很多，最怕別人不經意從背後走過，因為一點點可以誤會成輕視的眼神都足以殺了我。
常常會希望想要文字就可以寫的出來，想畫圖就可以畫的好，不過卻沒有這麼容易。光是題材就令人焦慮。腦袋空白時，我會去翻筆記本。我有好幾本日記，從小到大，一年一到兩本，習慣想到有趣的句子或者無聊就會拿出本子，把句子寫下來或者塗鴉。年紀小時很容易，一天下來感想很多，總是可以輕易的寫滿一整頁。這幾年來筆記本的空白卻越來越多，句子也越來越短，或許也有點不習慣長時間用筆書寫。
一直認為好好過日常生活是必要的，即使工作還是需要去旅行、花時間發呆、聊天、閱讀、玩我的貓，煮頓飯、喝杯好喝的咖啡，運動、聽音樂，和身邊的人相處，作品是消化沈澱我的生活、思想後，我需要挪些空間讓它翻轉翻轉，還有裝滿我的壓力，雖然常會懷疑自己最後會不會和伊索寓言的小蚱蜢一樣。（註一）
靈感通常都來自我的周遭生活，即使是天馬行空。最後讓我抄一段在大江健二郎書裡找到巴什拉先生說的話，「所謂的想像力，就是對自己所認識和了解的事物，進行改變和變形的能力。」繼續好好挖掘、體驗日常生活吧。
（註一：伊索寓言裡有一對快樂的小蚱蜢，春天到秋天想吃就吃， 一整天唱歌跳舞的，也沒有為過冬準備，到了冬天時，外面都找不到食物，小蚱蜢不像隔壁的螞蟻們一樣努力工作積存過冬的糧食，結局時在冬天裡小蚱蜢餓死了。）
小時候常會有人問你，長大後要當什麼，有一次我讀到一個俄羅斯的小說，小說裡的媽媽說，有人問我，希望我的小孩長大後做什麼，與其期待他去當怎樣的職業，我倒期待他想成為什麼樣的人，過怎樣的生活。
大一時打工，在台北美術館顧會場，遇到一個退休後當義工的老奶奶，那時有點煩惱，對於未來疑惑，跟老奶奶聊到，她用一種平穩篤定的口吻回應我，沒問題的，很多事只要你真的想要，都是可以做的到。很不可以思議我被說服了，即使我仍然疑惑，但卻開始相信自己可以爭取到想像的未來。如果同樣一句話是從同齡的朋友說出，或許只像是安慰或鼓勵，但從五六十歲的奶奶口中說出，卻充滿說服力，像是她走過一趟後帶著旅行感想，對你保證。
但該爭取怎樣的未來和想要過的生活，年紀越大倒是越來越模糊，是逐漸妥協或者已經得到了。學生時代我一直希望可以不必上班，在家裡工作。後來離開上班生活在家裡工作已經有幾年，偶爾卻會懷念上班時穩定規律的生活，每天起床後搭車去上班，幾個同事坐一排，雖不是親人一天相處下來生活的時間卻比家人久，聊的話比和朋友說得多，一種特殊的關係讓大家聚在相同的空間，一起過生活，還挺有趣的。朝九晚五雖然累人，但到了月底就會有薪水進來，沒有工作也不必焦慮，老的時候如果在大一點的公司或許還有退休金。
一個人工作，多半時間是沈默的，像獨自慢跑，沒有人盯你，也不必在意一天中要從幾點開始到幾點結束。不過我是一個懶散的人，沒事時有時候我可以什麼事也不做，一天看幾部電影，或者只是翻翻書發發呆和朋友聊天就過一天，可以花很長的時間睡覺，即使現在年紀越來越大，也不曾焦慮到失眠過，也因此有一年我甚至在牆上貼上「積極」，希望能成為那一年的座右銘。
有時候我會為自己畫些圖，畫圖前，我習慣煮杯咖啡、聊天、玩我的貓、或者跑來跑去，撐到最後才會一口氣沈下心，帶著滿滿的壓力躲起來安靜的進行，畫畫的開始總是焦慮，畫順了才能開始享受旅程，不到最後還是沒有把握，尤其是還沒進行到滿意時最脆弱，我通常躲起來畫。先生老是笑我畫圖時禁忌很多，最怕別人不經意從背後走過，因為一點點可以誤會成輕視的眼神都足以殺了我。
常常會希望想要文字就可以寫的出來，想畫圖就可以畫的好，不過卻沒有這麼容易。光是題材就令人焦慮。腦袋空白時，我會去翻筆記本。我有好幾本日記，從小到大，一年一到兩本，習慣想到有趣的句子或者無聊就會拿出本子，把句子寫下來或者塗鴉。年紀小時很容易，一天下來感想很多，總是可以輕易的寫滿一整頁。這幾年來筆記本的空白卻越來越多，句子也越來越短，或許也有點不習慣長時間用筆書寫。
一直認為好好過日常生活是必要的，即使工作還是需要去旅行、花時間發呆、聊天、閱讀、玩我的貓，煮頓飯、喝杯好喝的咖啡，運動、聽音樂，和身邊的人相處，作品是消化沈澱我的生活、思想後，我需要挪些空間讓它翻轉翻轉，還有裝滿我的壓力，雖然常會懷疑自己最後會不會和伊索寓言的小蚱蜢一樣。（註一）
靈感通常都來自我的周遭生活，即使是天馬行空。最後讓我抄一段在大江健二郎書裡找到巴什拉先生說的話，「所謂的想像力，就是對自己所認識和了解的事物，進行改變和變形的能力。」繼續好好挖掘、體驗日常生活吧。
（註一：伊索寓言裡有一對快樂的小蚱蜢，春天到秋天想吃就吃， 一整天唱歌跳舞的，也沒有為過冬準備，到了冬天時，外面都找不到食物，小蚱蜢不像隔壁的螞蟻們一樣努力工作積存過冬的糧食，結局時在冬天裡小蚱蜢餓死了。）
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